“You will know that I am the Lord; Those who hopefully wait for Me will not be put to shame.” Isaiah 50:23
Last summer, the Lord seriously began to speak to me about letting go. My father had been very ill for quite a long time, and suffering in his body. We prayed and believed for healing, but it was hard to stand by and watch his pain. I had just taken a month-long vacation to hang out with him, and we traveled to Oklahoma to see his childhood home. But I knew he was very ill. I remember sitting in the back row of a meeting and the Holy Spirit just speaking to me so clearly that it was time to surrender my father, and my tears soaking the chair.
Then, in September, my daddy was admitted to the hospital for surgery and serious complications. I left work, and flew across the country to be at his side. I was so stressed out, but my father was tranquil. I was hanging out with him in the hospital during his recovery, and we would minister to the hospital workers when they came into the room. He was peaceful, even while suffering through excruciating pain. After a week, I flew home, but was so upset that I ran a red light and crashed my car the next weekend.
As difficult as it is to admit, I dreaded spending Christmas with my sick father. But I arrived at his home and every inch of his house was decorated and lovely. He has spent all his energy creating a beautiful space for us to celebrate. We went to the movies, my aunt’s family celebrations, and the Nutcracker. But mostly we just hung out- drinking coffee, discussing Scripture, and praying together.
I returned home and God started to speak to me about moving back overseas. I agonized over the decision — “Jesus, how can I leave my sweet daddy, when he is so sick?!” I pleaded with the Lord to show me. And then, in the middle of the Catch the Fire conference, the answer came. “Follow me and allow the dead to bury their own dead.” (Matt. 8:22) Essentially, Father God told me to let go.
When spring came around, we started to plan to attend my brother’s wedding in California. I was booking my flight, and I accidentally booked my flight a day early. I called up my dad and asked him if he would like to spend a day hanging out with me in gorgeous Santa Barbara. He happily agreed to show up early, and in mid-May, we met each other at the airport. The airline representative wheeled him towards me in a wheelchair, as he was too weak at that point to walk distances. I whisked him off to a cute hotel by the beach, because God has designed this last little seaside vacation for us. Over a sun-soaked breakfast the next morning, we watched the harbor seals by the palm-lined shore, and road tripped up El Camino Real to Paso Robles, the yellow mustard and oak tree smothered hills passing out the window. The wedding was breath-taking, and my dad was strong enough to enjoy it . That was the last real time I had with my dad; he was on life-support when I had to say goodbye to him.
Romans 11:33 “Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable are His ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who became His counselor? Or who has first given to him that it might be paid back to him again? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen.”
I don’t understand why I had to loose my Dad now. But I understand that God was SO INVOLVED in the timing of His passing, that He gave me a BEAUTIFUL VACATION with my dad just three weeks before he died. Also, I am beginning to learn that God is working on so many levels in so many people’s lives simultaneously, that I will never fully comprehend what He is doing on this side of eternity. And I can place my complete trust in the Lord, even if everything doesn’t work out as I’d like! Life is bittersweet, but God promises that “those who hopefully wait for Me (God) will not be put to shame.”
