Last summer, the Lord seriously began to speak to me about letting go. My father had been very ill for quite a long time, and suffering in his body. We prayed and believed for healing, but it was hard to stand by and watch his pain. I had just taken a month-long vacation to hang out with him, and we traveled to Oklahoma to see his childhood home. But I knew he was very ill. I remember sitting in the back row of a meeting and the Holy Spirit just speaking to me so clearly that it was time to surrender my father, and my tears soaking the chair.

Then, in September, my daddy was admitted to the hospital for surgery and serious complications. I left work, and flew across the country to be at his side. I was so stressed out, but my father was tranquil. I was hanging out with him in the hospital during his recovery, and we would minister to the hospital workers when they came into the room. He was peaceful, even while suffering through excruciating pain. After a week, I flew home, but was so upset that I ran a red light and crashed my car the next weekend.

As difficult as it is to admit, I dreaded spending Christmas with my sick father. But I arrived at his home and every inch of his house was decorated and lovely. He has spent all his energy creating a beautiful space for us to celebrate. We went to the movies, my aunt’s family celebrations, and the Nutcracker. But mostly we just hung out- drinking coffee, discussing Scripture, and praying together.

I returned home and God started to speak to me about moving back overseas. I agonized over the decision — “Jesus, how can I leave my sweet daddy, when he is so sick?!” I pleaded with the Lord to show me. And then, in the middle of the Catch the Fire conference, the answer came. “Follow me and allow the dead to bury their own dead.” (Matt. 8:22) Essentially, Father God told me to let go.

When spring came around, we started to plan to attend my brother’s wedding in California. I was booking my flight, and I accidentally booked my flight a day early. I called up my dad and asked him if he would like to spend a day hanging out with me in gorgeous Santa Barbara. He happily agreed to show up early, and in mid-May, we met each other at the airport. The airline representative wheeled him towards me in a wheelchair, as he was too weak at that point to walk distances. I whisked him off to a cute hotel by the beach, because God has designed this last little seaside vacation for us. Over a sun-soaked breakfast the next morning, we watched the harbor seals by the palm-lined shore, and  road tripped up El Camino Real to Paso Robles, the yellow mustard and oak tree smothered hills passing out the window. The wedding was breath-taking, and my dad was strong enough to enjoy it . That was the last real time I had with my dad; he was on life-support when I had to say goodbye to him.

Romans 11:33 “Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable are His ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who became His counselor? Or who has first given to him that it might be paid back to him again? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen.”

I don’t understand why I had to loose my Dad now. But I understand that God was SO INVOLVED in the timing of His passing, that He gave me a BEAUTIFUL VACATION with my dad just three weeks before he died. Also, I am beginning to learn that God is working on so many levels in so many people’s lives simultaneously, that I will never fully comprehend what He is doing on this side of eternity. And I can place my complete trust in the Lord, even if everything doesn’t work out as I’d like! Life is bittersweet, but God promises that “those who hopefully wait for Me (God) will not be put to shame.”

Recenlty, I went to the beach with my friends Catherine and Ryan. Ryan and I were in the water, when I noticed a bouy marking the edge of the lifeguard-patrolled waters. “Let’s swim all the way out to the bouy”, I suggested. Unfortunately, a jellyfish was also swimming in the water out near the bouy, and I returned to the sand with a huge sting on my arm. 

I was mulling over this incident later, and my friend Ginger told me that “ injuries while doing rad sports are our cherished badges of honor.” I began to contemplate whether or not my injuries truly are badges of honor. At the same time, I was wondering what inside me compels me to go out to the edge in the first place. I have often ended up with physical and sometimes emotional scars from risks taken.

At the moment, I am recovering from a particularly dramatic season of  my life, in which I took a number of huge risks, reaped some big rewards, but also faced some huge losses. For some time, I thought that I would never recover, never be able to take another risk for love. Now I realize that I’m marked forever- there’s really no going back to the safety of an easy life. I crossed the line into risky love so long ago, that I’m really past the point of no return. The only option for me is to give it all.

I started to pray about this a few months ago. I was asking God if He liked this part of me, or if it needed to changed. I was thinking about why I like to run marathons, tend to go to forbidden places, and consistently pick really difficult jobs. Why do I move away from safety and comfort instead of toward it? God and I discussed it at length. Here is what He showed me: I can always use more wisdom. It is necessary to use discernment for every situation and relationship. I should not be taking a risk simply to stupidly prove that I am brave. But God wants me to be fearless, strong and courageous. He wants my attitude to be like that of David in Psalm 27:1-3.

“The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; whom shall I dread? When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh, my adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell. Though a host encamp against me, my heart will not fear; though war rise against me, in spite of this I shall be confident.”

There is a confidence and decisiveness that is pleasing to God, because it operates out of faith.  I used to be able to confidently tell the Lord that I would go anywhere, talk to any person, do anything he asked of me, if He went with me. I want that confidence back, because I know that it makes my Father God happy. I am asking for more fearlessness, more courage, more boldness. I don’t want to take needless risks, but I  refuse to be bound by any man-made limit. I am so thankful that God put this adventure-seeking gene in my DNA, and that He cultivated it in me. I’m so happy that He is the author of a life that will be full of risky love, because even if I fail, a risk taken for the cause of love is ultimately worth it.

                I have a friend who loves to eat. I find this irritating, because she is one of those people who remain perfectly thin, despite their large daily caloric intake. She has been nick-named “Two-Fisted Rachel”, as a result of her habit of filling both hands with food during meals. When sharing a meal with Rachel, I generally stop eating and find myself staring at her, because something about her pure enjoyment of her meal is just fascinating.

                Once, I was talking to Rachel while she was at work, and she mentioned that it was time for her “second breakfast”. This was a reference to J.R.R. Tolkien’s writings, in which the creatures known as hobbits are very fond of eating. Hobbits actually ate at least seven meals a day- breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, and supper. Now, although we are not called to gluttony, people who love Jesus should really follow the Hobbits’ example. “How is this type of over-indulgence a positive thing?” you may well be thinking.

                Recently, God has been speaking to a lot about eating. This might seem odd, but I know that He is not referring to physical food, but rather feasting in the Spirit. The Lord has been calling me to be two-fisted in my consumption of Him. I believe that we are all called to feed on, taste, and delight in God- to take ALL all that He offers us and devour it.

God’s desire to feed His people well is shown throughout Scripture. It is not insignificant that the Fall of man described in Genesis resulted from Eve and Adam’s refusal to delight themselves in the food that was offered to them in the garden, and instead ate the one fruit that was forbidden by God. Eve was tempted to eat the forbidden fruit because she felt that it was, “good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise (Genesis 3:6).” In essence, Adam and Eve refused God’s food, instead found their own food, and this resulted in sin entering creation.

So, what does it mean to be fed by God? I was asking the Lord what that entails, and He led me to different parts of Scripture. First of all, God doesn’t feed us crap. He doesn’t offer me the crumbs on the floor, or a stale meal. His food is lavish, it is delicious, and it is free.  “Ho! Everyone who thirsts, come to the waters, and you have no money come, buy and eat. Come, buy wine and milk without cost.  Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, and delight yourself in abundance. (Isaiah 55: 1,2)

Eating = Listening

Feeding requires listening, because God’s main food for our souls is His word.  Delighting in abundance means that God is always speaking to me, and I must choose to listen to what He has to say. Scripture often shows that God is begging His people to listen and eat. “Oh that my people would listen to Me, that Israel would walk in My ways! I would quickly subdue their enemies and turn My hand against their adversaries…But I would feed you with the finest of wheat, and with honey from the rock I would satisfy you (Ps. 81:13, 14, 16). God’s finest food for me comes when I listen and submit myself to what He is doing.

Jesus described himself as the Bread of Life, and the Living Water.  “I am the living bread that came down out of heaven; if anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever” (John 6:51).” Since Jesus is literally the Word of God, (John 1:14), knowing Him well is also feeding.  My challenge is to keep feeding on the bread continually- I need to constantly graze on God’s words to me. I need to pig out like a hobbit throughout the day! I should be two-fisted in my pursuit of being near Jesus, and hearing what God is saying to me through the Holy Spirit.  Also, “whoever drinks of the water I will give him will never thirst; but the water that I will  give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life (John 4:14)” I desperately want that water to spring up in my life, but how can I remind myself to keep drinking?

Hunger Comes From Humility

                Matthew 6:5 says, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.” I have found that I can position myself to feel hungry for God when I embrace humility. Most humans spend all of their time and energy trying to fill the need that we all innately feel for a relationship with God. However, God is all-powerful, and “he has done mighty things with his arm; He has scattered those who were proud in the thoughts of their heart. He has brought down rulers from their thrones and has exalted those who were humble. He has filled the hungry with good things, and sent the rich away empty-handed.(Luke 1:53)” If I realize that I am hungry for something other than God, it is a sign that I have not humbled myself. Conversely, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied (Matt. 5:6).

God Feeds Us When We Remove Our Idols

                Of course, idolatry prevents us from feeding on God. If I fill my hunger with anything else, anything less than Jesus, I can’t enjoy his delightfully abundant food. God has been dealing with me very seriously on this point recently, and He is not willing to tolerate any idolatry in my life. “Here, O My people, and I will admonish you; O Israel, if you would listen to Me! Let there be no strange god among you; nor shall you worship any foreign god. I, the Lord, am your God, who brought you up from the land of Egypt; Open your mouth wide and I will fill it.” If idolatry is the same thing as feeding myself, than removing any idol from my life helps me to open my mouth wide to receive everything that God is trying to put in it.

Trials Give Us A Hungry and Thirsty Soul

                Since the entire Bible speaks so much about the hungry and thirsty soul, it’s obvious that God thinks it is a Big Deal, and not to be ignored. But other than a position of humility, how can I maintain this hunger? Psalm 107:4-9 shows that trials are actually a gift, in that they produce this hunger and thirst in the people of God. In this passage, God’s people are in trouble. “They wandered in the wilderness in a desert region; they did not find a way to an inhabited city. They were hungry and thirsty; their soul fainted within them. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble; He delivered them out of their distresses. He led tem also by a straight way, to go to an inhabited city. Let them give thanks to the Lord for His lovingkindness, and for His wonders to the sons of men! For He has satisfied the thirsty soul, and the hungry soul He has filled with what is good.(Ps. 107: 409)” God is close to a fainting soul!

Indifference and Hardness of Heart

                What if I’m not hungry? What do I do then? In Revelation, God has a message for the church of Laodicea, whom He describes as “lukewarm”, a reference to their indifference. He says that He wants to dine with them! But God also says that “those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.” After repentance, He is standing at the door and knocking; He says that “if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me” (Rev . 3:19, 20). In order to enjoy a meal with the Lord, I must repent from indifference first.

Second Breakfast

                In my pursuit of two-fisted faith, I have realized that I can’t be satisfied with the normal amount of feeding on God’s word.  I need to “taste and see that the Lord is good” -constantly (Ps. 34:8). I get my second breakfast when I ask for it, by “putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander”, and “like(a) newborn baby long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it (I) may grow in respect to salvation”, since I have “tasted the kindness of the Lord.” (1 Peter 3:1-3. Tasting his kindness is finding and experiencing  God in the details of my life. I let Him talk to me about EVERY STUPID DETAIL of my life, and then I taste His kindness.  I love this, because it shows that I’m His bride. As in Song of Solomon, He is the bridegroom, and “He has brought me to his banquet hall, and his banner over me is love”(Song of Solomon 2:4). Since I sit at a huge table, with amazing food, in the banquet Hall of a King, I will never stop eating like a hobbit!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYjIpiP3c-8

It even has harmonica. Rock on. I loved this song when I was five or six.

His harshness toward me, and the way that He deals with me means that I belong to HIM! It’s what makes me a legitimate daughter. I thought it made me illigitimate, but it means that He loves me. “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor fiant when you are reproved by Him; For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives. It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?> But if you are without discipline, of which we have all become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for te moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yelds the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

God is so sovereign over me and all the hellish things that have happened to me. And He watches me very carefully in all of my reponse to His work in my life..I believe that He is also Sovereign over sin. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

.He said to me through this song…”Every day that you don’t give up, that you don’t let down, my heart is ravished. I saw when you gave it all up. I did, I did. I saw it. And it moved my heart.”

Have your way in me, Jesus.

I am famous for making plans that fall through. God is always switching it up on me in crazy ways, and I am forced to fall in line with His agenda. In Farsi there is a word for schedule that I love, “barname”. God’s “barname” for me this summer was radically different from my own, but it was entirely wonderful.

I got to spend a lot of time in Young’s Park, the neighborhood we love in Norfolk. My time there was so kairos- I met so many children and people that I wanted to meet. I hadn’t expected to get to know so many lovely faces so fast.

I spent more time with my lovely ladies from ARC, diving deeper into their lives, while Cat, Monica, and I started a study on Esther that kicked my butt. I lay around on the beach with Lorri and Monica. Twice, I watched a pod of dolphins play near the shore. I watched my roommate hoop dance with abandon!

beach!

I spent the month of July in prayer for Iran, realizing my responsibilities there and asking for an open door to minister in the future. I met with the director of RIHOP to share insights into how to pray for my favorite country.

God made me rest. I slept a lot and got my house in order and painted my mailbox, and loved on my dog.I trained for my marathon, and finished in record time. I shopped at Trader Joe’s. I spent endless hours at the car dealership, trying to get my VW in order….

The highlight of my summer by far was the relationships and people with whom I got to hang out, all over the US. I saw almost everyone that I love. Amazing. Cilicia, Amber, Sarah, Simone, Doug, Jennifer, Cheryl, Amy, Daddy, Juanda, Leon, Adrienne, baby Tobiah. All the kids in Young’s Park. Mama Robinson. There were countless people I met and talked to with whom I didn’t even intend to spend time. Because the Lord is my shepherd, I have everything I need…He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul. …He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies. He annoints my head with oil. My cup overflows.

I thought I would work all summer, but God forced me to rest and spend time with specific people. I love you, God. I love that You take charge of my plans. Please do that always.

Then, as a side note, Graham Cooke started discussing the fact that revival comes where darkness meets light. I thought about the darkest place I’ve ever been. It’s my favorite country, and it’s such a black whole of evil. But it’s  my favorite– because I saw God most dramatically there. He is close to the broken-hearted– So, He was there.

Mr. Cooke asked us, “What makes you angry? What are you frustrated by? That is a clue to what you are to deliver”. He was referring to Moses, who got so angry about oppression that He killed an Egyptian task-master. I am similarly angry. I am angry about I**n. I want to be there soooooo badly right now. I am twitching around as I watch news reports. Those are my people. That is my country. I thought about it this morning as I was brushing my teethe– I am resposible for what happens there.

“Frustration should drive you to fasting and prayer. You are the one to pay the price to bring freedom.”

Yes!! Please, God.